Below is a piece I wrote for my Unitarian Universalist group
In the world of professional soccer, emotions run high and setbacks can be devastating. But sometimes, the most profound wisdom comes from the most unexpected sources. I’d like to start this talk by sharing a scene from “Ted Lasso”, one that surprisingly relates to our theme of the practice of presence.
SHOW VIDEO (1 min)
When I first saw this scene, I was shocked. Mostly because I always thought a dog, with their constant wagging tails and unconditional love, was the happiest animal in the world. But no, I was wrong – it’s the goldfish – with their 10 second memory.
We humans, with our 10 decade memory, approach things a bit differently. This longer memory is a wonderful gift that allows us to learn from mistakes, protect ourselves from future harm, and advance society as a whole – but it doesn’t come without faults. For our gift of memory and planning also makes it hard for us to live in the moment.
And who can blame us for not living in the moment? At this given moment, I have drama from thanksgiving echoing in my head, I have 83 unread work emails, and another 20 personal emails to respond to, 2 kids that are constantly competing for my attention, a political transition coming up very fast, my parent’s health is declining a little bit every day, and on top of that, my phone is currently on silent but if it wasn’t I’m pretty sure it would have dinged several times since I started talking.
Living in the past, present, and future all at once – is exhausting.
But according to Coach Lasso, living just in the present can help.
What exactly does it mean to live in the present?
Living in the moment means being fully engaged and aware of what is happening right now, without distraction from thoughts about the past or worries about the future. It’s about experiencing life as it unfolds, without mentally rushing ahead or falling behind.
Imagine your entire lifespan, from your left arm to your right. All of one side holds everything that has happened before – your birth, your upbringing, your schooling, your love life. Everything on the other side is your future – none of which has happened yet. Both sides are very large, filled with tons of moments. Yet this little slice here in the middle, about a hair thick, is the present.
It’s kinda weird when you think about it this way because the present is such a tiny, thin slice of your life. Yet it’s the only part of your life that matters. Everything in the future has not happened and may never happen. And there’s nothing you can change about the past. The present is the most important part of your life.
Living in the present also means having mindful awareness of your surroundings, emotions, and thoughts in this exact moment. It’s the practice of noticing what’s happening both externally (the sights, sounds, and sensations around you) and internally (your thoughts and feelings) without judgment or distraction.
It’s letting go of the past – whether regrets, unresolved issues, or memories. It doesn’t mean ignoring the past, but rather not letting it dominate your current state of mind.
It’s not worrying about the future – not letting your thoughts about the unknown cause anxiety or distract from what’s happening now. It doesn’t mean ignoring the future altogether, but rather balancing future planning with a focus on today.
It’s savoring the simple moments, allowing you to appreciate small, everyday experiences that might otherwise go unnoticed. Whether it’s the smell of the rain, the sound of birds singing, or the feeling of the sun on your skin, you become attuned to the richness of life’s simple pleasures.
Presence also fosters a greater connection to your environment and the people around you. When you live in the moment, you’re more attuned to the nuances of social interactions, the energy of those around you, and the beauty of the world.
Here are some examples that helped me understand better:
- During a Conversation: Instead of thinking about what you’ll say next or being distracted by your phone, you actively listen, focusing on the words, tone, and body language of the person speaking.
- While Eating: Rather than rushing through a meal or thinking about the next task, you savor each bite, noticing the flavors, textures, and aroma of the food.
- On a Walk: Instead of thinking about your to-do list, you pay attention to the feel of your feet on the ground, the sights and sounds of nature, and the rhythm of your breath.
So why is it important to live in the present? There’s a ton of benefits –
It reduces stress and anxiety – we are not constantly worrying about the future or dwelling on the past
It Improves focus and clarity – because we can give our full attention to what we’re doing, we see more clearly and make decisions from a place of awareness rather than distraction.
It enhances relationships- allowing us to form deeper, more meaningful connections.
It also heightens joy and appreciation, fosters creativity and inspiration, and limits regret and missed opportunities
In short, living in the moment allows us to lead more mindful, joyful, and connected lives. It offers an antidote to the stress and distraction that often cloud our experience of the present, helping us live more fully and authentically.
And don’t just take it from me, take it from my therapists as well – Yes, there have been a few times in my life where I sought the help of therapy, and it was interesting to me that both times I was told to be more present.
The first time I went I was told to simply take it one day at a time. Don’t think about tomorrow. And if today is too much, just focus on the next hour. This was at a time in my life where I had the next decade planned out in my head, and to save you from a long story, I felt like my life was starting over from scratch. But to be honest, this advice, as simple as it was, was key to me getting through the tough time and moving forward to a better period in my life.
The second time I went to a therapist I was told about philosophy. He illustrated our brain into 3 parts, the front, middle, and back. The front focuses on the future, and when we live there we are plagued with worry and anxiety. The back focuses on the past, and when we live there we are overcome with depression and regret. Yet if we focus in the middle, then we are living in the present, and that is where we will find happiness.
He then went on to teach me 5 activities that encourage mindfulness and presence, in order to live in this middle part of the brain:
- Meditation: I hate to say it, but I am the worst at meditating. I have tried many times, and all I succeed in is just taking a few deep breaths – which is still helpful. So I won’t speak to this much right now, but I will see you the next time Nica offers a meditation retreat.
- Exercise: if I’m exercising well enough, I don’t have the oxygen in my brain to worry or dwell, I’m too focused on making sure my legs don’t give out. And that’s a good thing. Since I rarely meditate, I like to consider exercise as my way of giving my brain a break.
- Rest: I first interpreted this as sleeping and taking naps, which I got really excited about. But I think what he wanted me to get out of it was that it’s okay to not be doing something. It’s okay to be bored. In fact, some of my best inspirations come from when I was bored. The other day I heard someone refer to us as ‘human doings’, instead of ‘human beings’, and I thought that quite fitting. But it’s okay to just be.
- Creativity: he encouraged me to make something. Write, play music, invent. Be a kid. Creating something forces you to use the parts of your brain that work in the now.
- Contemplation: He described this as sitting on the beach, staring into the waves, pondering the meaning of life. I practiced this as sitting on my front porch, at the start of a weekend, admiring the vastness of the sky.
In preparation for this talk I looked through a few books. One of them was by a Dr. Richard Carlson. He shares a story about the publishing of one of his books. It turns out that one of his first books was endorsed by a best selling author, and he was hoping to get another endorsement on his next book. He wrote asking for a review or for permission to reprint this previous endorsement, but he never heard back. He was bummed, but he moved on. However, once the books went to press he realized there had been a mistake because the endorsement, which he didn’t have permission to use, was big and bold on the front cover. He freaked out, worried about what legal trouble this was going to get him in, or if he was going to have to pay to reprint the books. He reached out to that author once again, this time offering a long apology. And this time – he heard back. Though the response he got was simply 2 bullet points. 1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. 2. It’s all small stuff.
So he got to keep the endorsement, and he loved that advice so much that he ended up turning it into another best seller which you may have heard before – “Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff” [SHOW BOOK]
A quick side note – I’m sure some of you may have noticed that the opening clip that I shared had a couple bad words in it. Somehow I didn’t even realize it until I was too deep into this topic. And I got worried about playing that as part of this service. This is a sacred place, with wonderful people whom I want to respect and not disappoint with foul language. Should I skip the video? Should I figure out how to edit it so I beep it out? And do I use a beep or just cut the sound? But then what software do I need to do this, and where do I buy it, and how to I learn…..I was freaking out. And then I read that author story, and I realized there’s a chance that I’m sweating the small stuff. The kids would have been dismissed and as long as I don’t talk like a sailor it’ll probably be fine. So…as you know I didn’t bother to edit the video. If that was the wrong choice, I apologize, please take it up with me. But know that I was simply trying to practice this topic, and avoid letting worry overcome my present.
There’s actually a lot of great tips in this book that relate to being present.
He talks about how many of us live our lives rushing around as though it were a big emergency, and it doesn’t need to be that way.
He reminds us that when we die, we are still going to have items on our todo list. We convince ourselves that once we get through our list we’ll be accomplished and happy, but in reality the list will never end.
He suggests setting aside quiet time for ourselves, every day. Something as simple as scheduling 10 minutes where you can be alone and distraction free, will do wonders for your mind.
He proposes we stop multitasking, for when we do too many things at once not only are we far less focused but we also lose out on any enjoyment of the activity. Has anyone ever had a bowl of desert in their hands, with the TV on in the background, and you’re also perhaps on your phone- and then you realize you’ve eaten all your ice cream – and you didn’t even taste it! All those calories for nothing! Because I was multitasking!
In short, he argues that we should spend less time worrying, especially about future events which may never happen, as he quotes Mark Twain who said “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
I’ve come to realize that with many things in life, there’s no simple solution, and the answer to becoming present is different for every person. I invite you to spend some time trying out some of the ideas proposed today, and be patient when they don’t work out. Many of them failed me. But over the course of about a month, I realized what works for me.
For me, I can bring myself to the present by doing the following:
1. Focus on my senses. Sight. Smell. Taste. Hearing. Touch. By iterating through each of those, and spending a minute observing what my senses are experiencing, I can be brought to the current moment.
2. Doing 1 thing at a time, or even nothing at all. I am guilty of always trying to be the most efficient I can be, but that comes at the cost of my sanity. Picking a single activity, or realizing that I don’t need to be doing anything, has helped me. I used to always bring an activity like a book to read while my daughter had her soccer practices – but this season I tried doing nothing, and just watching them practice. It allowed me to learn all the players names, get to know the coaches better, and really enjoy their games.
3. Play. Be a kid again. Could be sports, or a board game, or just letting yourself be silly like a kid. This is my version of being a goldfish. Ya know what a kid doesn’t do? Doomscroll on social media or worry about the news.
4. If I notice that I’m continuously distracted by worry, then I write down my stressors. Putting them into a list allows me to put them somewhere other than my head. I can then come up with a plan for each worry, and free my head to focus on the present.
5. Finally, just try to realize that life isn’t an emergency. I have a notecard taped on my desk that says ‘Slow Down!’ Because for some reason, even if I’m not late, I’m always rushing. Seeing that note helps me take some deep breaths, and reduce my speed.
When you experiment with your own path to finding presence, it’s going to be hard. But know that you’re not alone. It is hard, because it is so easy to be distracted. We’re constantly bombarded with interruptions, news, socials, phones. We’re trained at work not to be idle, to be constantly effective. We’re trained by entertainment to have a short attention span. And we also feel like we must be entertained at all times, but don’t forget – it’s okay to be bored.
For many of us, our lives are so filled with stimuli, and responsibilities, that it’s almost impossible for us to sit still and do nothing – even for a few minutes.
I once had a friend say to me, “Did you know that I have an app that tells me every time my friends go to the bathroom?” I thought why would you want that. And he said ‘you have it too’ – and he sent me this screenshot:
[WORDS WITH FRIENDS NOTIFICATION]
It took me a second to realize that he was implying that every time his friends go to the bathroom they’re reaching for their phone and making a move on this game, and he wasn’t wrong. How crazy is it that most of us can’t stand to be alone without entertainment for the few minutes it takes for us to do our business. It’s like we can’t tolerate being alone with our own thoughts.
But when you allow yourself to be bored, it takes an enormous amount of pressure off you to be performing and doing something every second of every day.
And I know this sounds counter productive, but sometimes doing nothing can make you more effective. Some of my best ideas come from being in the shower, where I am distraction free. And when I’m stumped on a problem at work, taking a walk and coming back to it 20 minutes later almost always reveals the answer to me.
Does anyone struggle with being on their phones too much? I know I have a problem, and I’m usually okay when I’m around others, but if I’m by myself and have a few minutes to kill, I have a habit of taking it out. I know it’s not healthy, I know it takes me away from the moment, so over the last month I have been trying to reduce my screentime. I first installed a tool that would report how much time I wasted – no luck. Then I moved my shortcuts so my time-wasting apps wouldn’t be on my home screen – that didn’t work either. Next I installed an app that would cut me off after a time limit was reached – and that helped a little, but what really helped was to simply delete apps. You don’t have to delete your accounts, you can always access them on your computer, when you intentionally want to – but not having some apps on my phone has been freeing.
For those that are scared to make that move, I get it. True story, it took me being angry at my phone before I actually deleted any apps. It was right after the election. My phone had convinced me that I knew what the outcome was going to be. When the results came out, I felt lied to. My phone had deceived me, it was no longer my friend! I got pissed, deleted a few apps, and finally deactivated my Twitter account. I realized those apps were putting me in an echo chamber, showing me things that it knew I liked, giving me a false sense of reality. I didn’t like that.
My phone is now pretty boring. Many times I’ll bring it out when I have a moment, and I’ll stare at the screen looking for something fun to do, but when I realize there’s nothing there, I put it away, and am back in the present.
But…..we can’t always be in the present, right? It’s true, we can’t. Because there are times that we do need to plan ahead, to recall our past mistakes, to prepare for the future. Adapting from the past and worrying about the future can be helpful tools, within reason. I think the key is that we absolutely can be out of the moment, if we’re intentional about it. If we need to budget for next month – great, set aside some time to do that, and then return to the moment. You want to recall memories from last year- do it, just don’t stay there. Do your best not to get lost in the past or the future, and if it helps you can schedule blocks of time to allow yourself to do this.
In the season finale of Ted Lasso, the team just suffered a heartbreaking championship loss. Let’s see how coach Ted reacts…
SHOW VIDEO (2 mins)
Isn’t that such a good scene???!
When I was working on this talk my daughter Scarlett asked me about it, and so I told her about a goldfish’s memory. And she was quick to correct me. Dad, that’s not true. On mythbusters I saw that they trained goldfish to go through a maze, so their memories are definitely longer than 10 seconds. Well thanks for destroying my entire talk. It’s too late to change so I’m going to act like I have a 10 second memory, and pretend I didn’t hear that.
This upcoming week, I invite you to all take a few moments out of our busy lives and be like a goldfish, just not one from mythbusters.